Dating Problems - What To Do When Dating Challenges You
Do you have dating problems? Are you without a date, about to date, or have a date you are not sure of? Do you feel confident that you know what to do when you are faced with a tough dating moment? It might help to think about it before it happens.
I have clients who have great stories about some dating problems they faced. One woman told me that her date took her to a party at his sisters. She thought she was going to meet the family. When she got there, his mother and sister tried to talk her into becoming a salesperson for their product. What did she do? She remembered her boundaries. She smiled and said kindly, "Thank you for thinking of me but I have a grandparent, two children, a hamster, and three dogs to take care of besides my job. The hamster put me into overload. I can't do it."
Here are some other WHAT TO DO WHENS:
WTDW #1 You have trouble accepting a compliment.
You knock yourself out looking good, get a makeover, lose a few pounds, and find a perfect dress. Your date arrives and says, "Oh wow! You look awesome!" Do not say ANY of the following:
"Oh, I usually don't look this good. I had to WORK at it."
"It's just the makeover."
"The light must be bad in here. You can't really see me."
"Oh no. I'm not that pretty. I need to lose more weight."
"You must need new glasses."
If you say these things, people will be afraid to give you an acknowledgment.
WHAT TO DO: Flash a great smile.
Let him know that compliment made you happy. Say, "Thanks! You made my day AND my night." Then, let it in. You look fabulous. If you act this way, you will continue to get more compliments.
WTDW #2 You break up with someone.
You just went through a separation, a breakup, or a divorce. You haven't dated anyone else in years. You feel lost, confused, and even--discarded. Your mood swings from feeling that it was his fault to thinking it was probably all yours. You look at the other couples around you and wonder why you can't have a relationship like the rest of the world does. What should you NOT do?
Do not start dating right away, no matter what anyone else says or how lonely you are.
WHAT TO DO: You need time to sort out your mind and heal your heart.
You need a year to chill. The only person you need to meet now is you. Date yourself. Bring yourself flowers, give yourself a quiet vacation, talk with a counselor, and do some new activities where you will meet some new friends. Use the year to grow.
WTDW #3 You go out on a date after not dating for a long time.
Dating is a mystery to you. You had begun to think that you would never go out again. The guy you go out with is "okay." You don't feel fireworks, but it's good to talk to someone. You don't quite like the way he dresses, his stories are crude or boring, and he is marginally employed. He doesn't like your dog and he seems threatened by your success. He asks you out again. Pretty soon, you look like a couple. What is it you should NOT do?
Do not keep dating him. Just because he is the first person you have gone out with does not mean he is the last. Do NOT buy into the myth that there is "no one out there." Do not tell yourself that "nobody's perfect," "life is a compromise," or "I'll date him until someone better comes along." If you get hooked up with someone you don't want, no one better can come along. You look like you are "taken."
WHAT TO DO:
Demystify dating. Look for the ways you can get involved in creating more dates. The red flags of danger indicate that this is not a relationship that will be good for you. Some of your requirements for a relationship should be: he likes your dog, you both feel some chemistry, he is proud of your accomplishments, and he is successful in what he does. If you are willing to "settle" for just anyone, you need to look at your life and ask yourself what you are not giving you. You need to be doing something that is fun and thrilling. Climb a mountain, learn to bowl, take tennis lessons, volunteer for the SPCA, or learn to tap dance. Your life should be sparkling with energy and happiness.
What To Do Whens are the moments in life when you are tested. View them as a gift. It gives you a chance to sharpen your skills, remember who you are and who you want to be, and trust that you will land on your feet when dating problems challenge you.
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